Unselfish Love

Once, not very long ago, some one who loved me said, "Sometimes love is unselfish. Sometimes nothing is asked for in return.
Fact is, sometimes we are loved, because of who we are. Fact is, we all have endless amounts of love to give.''

Back then, my understanding of this kind of love was that, it was naive and stupid. Having been through the kind of love where you give & give and cease to see that you get nothing in return, the eternal closeted pessimist in me replied by saying," Not everyone is selfish and not everyone wants to take and return nothing...a feeling of guilt grows  and not everyone can deal with that. 

Not everyone realizes that they have endless amounts of love to give... but when they do, they can't 

believe it...and they know that not everyone deserves that love...so they hold it off...till they know it can 

come from a place deep within....in time...'' 

I tell you this now, that once upon a time some one loved me, like I love now. I might not have been ready then, but in time the optimist in me began to peek through the shadows again. 

That now, my love does come from a place deep within. I am not ashamed to say, that the eternal pessimist in me wins every now and then, but because I have received such giving love, I chose to still go on. 

It is painful, I must admit, to go on loving unselfishly, to give and give and stand my ground knowing that the other person cannot return the feelings in the same measure even if he tried. Knowing that he lacks the ability to see what love really does to a person. 

It eats away at the ability to say NO. To simply stop the other person from taking every last ounce of strength, esteem and courage you have. Handing the power over to some one who is almost careless.

Loving like that, is true selfless love. 

I have been loved the same and I am grateful for it, grateful to those who loved me like that, knowing that I didn't know back then how painful it can be to watch some one take your love and not give in return. 

I say thank you, because each day that I feel like quitting, each day that I want to be selfish and walk away from a love that feels like its taking my all, I think of those who loved me unconditionally. 

I see how it has come to change me as a person, of what I gained from it, and I now see how much it has helped me push through the walls. I now know that I am capable of making such a change in some one else's life by giving and giving and expecting nothing in return, because I love now, like some one loved me once...

PS - to those who've loved me like that, Thank you. To those whom I love now, I hope that one day you will carry it on and change some one else's life forever. 

A mirror in A person

"You're an angry person..." he told her sitting across the room. He looked both hurt and bemused. 

He sat there on a chair with a cloth to his face trying to let the water cool down his temples. He was sucking out the blood and shards of glass from his palms. The house was quiet now... the walls deserved some peace. 

She was sobbing, soft sniffs, feet bare...her mascara stained cheeks were wet, she was shaking from shock, trying to hold herself together, sitting with her knees drawn unto her chest. She could feel the cold floor numbing her bottom, numbing her toes. She wished they would numb her anger and insecurity too. She could feel the temperature drop further in the room, she wasn't sure if it was the cold wind or him.

She wished the cold would engulf her, the room, engulf everything and freeze it over. Stop her emotions. Anger. Rage from the past that had led to more rage tonight. Bitter fury that had led to her losing grip tonight. 

She prayed the cold would numb it all, stop time and skip it all... but it would come back. Stopping time only meant a delay in the inevitable...tonight was a lesson, time never heals... 

'Yes', she thought to herself, 'maybe I am an angry person... after all this time of trying to "BE OKAY", bury my fears...after all the exhaustion of putting on a brave face I can begin to doubt myself again, my display of physical emotion tonight is proof.' 

She looked at him and saw that he would never be able to read her depth. See in her eyes the world of pain that he had opened up tonight. He wouldn't understand that the rage came from a place that held nothing but fear, a fear of risking her trust again. A place she had hoped to never set foot on again... 

And yet she had tried. 

Only this time it hurt more... because she knew all too well...he could hurt her more. She had trusted in him much more ... loved him much more than any other. 

And lest her fears come true, this time he would not only open her wounds, they would leave her cut up with no chance of her trying again.

She looked around the room, at all the damage she had caused, all the pain he had just reminded her of. All the doubt she had in him and more so in herself. 

And yet again she tried.

"Im not an angry person..." she said softly without meeting his eyes, "I'm just scared".   

Learning to Learn from Mistakes

Scars are inevitable, unavoidable even. Usually followed by hurt and disappointment. Some come and go, some fade, some stay, as a reminder of a place you should'nt visit again. 

Whether you're 5 and fall off your bike or 15 when you get stiches from a fist fight or 25 when you get drunk after a heart break. Scars are good and bad. And we've all had our fair share. Some visible and some not so much anymore.

The worst kind though are the ones that seem never to appear because you leave the wounds open. You don't let yourself scar only because you hurt yourself over and over again right at that same spot. There's no admission of being hurt and you won't let it scar. Out of sight, out of mind. It will get better, you keep saying to yourself.

Denial.

I'm Okay, I will be patient, It will change, It will get better... It takes time, so maybe next time around it won't happen again. Maybe we can talk it through and work on it. Maybe it was bad timing and distance.

Hope.  

We can do this, we can hold eachother's hand through this. We're better than this. We will change for the good because we can.

Trust. 

What if Hope and Trust are the wounds? What if you keep hoping and keep trusting and still hurt from it?

How can you scar from hoping and trusting when they are feelings? 

You can't scar from them, can you? Or so we think...

Disappointment.

If you keep going back to the origin of whats painful and dig a-fresh when will you let it heal? 

And if you stop hoping and stop trusting, then you've given up. Is that such a bad thing if it makes you feel better in the long run? Would you be thankful at the end of it all for not letting the pain drag on?  

Or maybe, just maybe even giving up after a certain point will begin to hurt, because you would then wish that you had worked harder and maybe, just maybe (hope) it would get better.

At what point do you say, enough? At what point should you realize that you cannot hurt yourself further by simply trusting and hoping things will get better?

How then can you let it scar? What measure will you use to remind yourself that things may not change.

Realization.

It's probably the worst kind of pain. But it may be a good scar to wear on your sleeve.

It aches the most. You realise that you're hurting from simply trying. Each time, the harder you try the worse the wound. 

But if that realization leads you to give up and you lose your hope and faith would you then not be scarred for life? Or are we all simply in denial and never learn from our mistakes? Because, after all, we're just human. We're damaged goods anyway.

And in being so, we're all vain and want to be perfect, scar-free. Inevitably we're going to be fools and try again, trusting that this time it will be better and eventually realize that we hurt, ache, scar and still chose to hope for the best.

Perseverence. 

You broke it and I let you

Some one said my blog isn't 'light enough' and today that same some one said I haven't seen a piece as intense and raw as 'Boy on a sandbar'. 

I realized that when the good things in life happen to me I'm selfish. I like to keep them to myself, memories, happy, that are mine and for no one else to see or know. They, I believe, are my true possessions, my wealth that  no one can steal from me and I won't let them.
But I am willing to share my sorrow, frustration, anger, hurt and deep thought (so I think).

So, here goes...I hope this one is as raw and intense, because it's all heart. And I'm a fool for wearing it on my sleeve.. 

I had a home, my safe place, no one but me. You broke in to it...and I let you...

Then you broke it and I let you.

I realize that it's a little late to build my four walls again. I let you in already, I opened the doors that had been safely, fearfully and carefully locked. 

I realized today that it's a little late not to care. Because, you know what, it took me a while to give a shit about you and now that I know how much I care I feel like a fool.

I realized yesterday that you probably don't care as much as I do, but then again it's not your fault, I let you in and you made it home and I didn't mind so much while you slowly but surely became part of my life, inside my four walls. Part of my life, that I wanted to protect, hold, care for and fight for. Fight against the world out side of those four walls. I made you family. 

I realized today that I shared too much, gave too much and never asked for anything in return. A sort of one sided barter...where you took and I gave....you took and I gave....you took some more and I let you.

I know now that I cannot build my four walls again, I cannot take back everything you've seen on this side of those walls. I cannot take back what is supposed to be mine, what I let you see, what I shared with you.

I realized yesterday what a fool I've been for letting you take over my four walls, for letting you chip them away, brick by brick. 

I realized you broke it down, brought in sunshine and then left me to burn. 

You're part of an inside that you've broken... my inside.

I can't rebuild it against you or around you. But I can abandon it...I can walk away from my four walls and leave you to play with whats left of it...feel free to break it down some more...

I hope you realize that I don't need the four walls to keep me careful, fearful and distant.

I have you, you've shut me down.

For 4 days

Every time you string two words on a guitar, I know why four days were never enough. 
Every time I wake, only to see my dream in day light, I realize that this could not be more tough.


When you say exactly what no one else will and you're brutally harsh, I know that no matter how hurtful it is, you will always be a class apart. 
When I close my eyes to think of what we could have shared, I want it to end, that which did not start.


And when I'm dutifully casual when I should be mad at, I know, you know I'm deceiving.
And every time you prove me for what I am, I know I deserve what I'm receiving. 


If I were to say that I want you back now, would you think it is worth believing?
I think not, for you know, my reason and rhyme have no depth nor meaning. 

So every time I string two words on a paper, I know why four days are never enough. 

Every time I wake, to feel loss at day-break, I know this could not be more tough.

I'll find my way back...

I leaned over the low stone wall... looking at little fish that were swimming against the current. I was wondering to myself how they survive the cold, I was admiring their determination to swim in the exact opposite direction of where the winds were leading them, when my girlfriend yells, 'Look I think its farting!'

So much for pondering... 

I laughed out loud...genuinely laughed.

We hadn't done this in a while, I thought to myself...just drive out to town in the middle of the night, eat strawberry and whipped cream, park the car halfway up the footpath, have all the men judge our road sense,  sing (If I may call it that) along with the CD, be absolutely un-lady like and just enjoy being 20ies something girls...

I looked back at Aseema and Tarini sitting on the bench, they were discussing how it would be nice to have breakfast here early in the morning... there was no one but the four of us, it was peaceful. 

Tamara stood next to me staring at the view we had of the sea, the beach in the distance and the Queens Necklace... I heard her say, "I love this city". 

It got me thinking... I love this city too... I stared at the tall buildings and the lights... it reflected so much life, so much energy, so little time to take it all  in, much like myself. I found myself thinking, would I really want to leave? 

She realized I wasn't in the mood for a conversation and went on, "I don't think any place would make me happier, as long as I'm here and you guys are here, life's good". 

I smiled, at no one in particular, and wrapped my hands around myself.
I looked down again, the fish were still struggling to swim out to sea, the current was pulling them in. They stayed close to each other, barely visible in the huge mass of muddy brown water. It was the street lamp that lit their silhouettes. 

Cold wind hit my face and it carried the smell of sea.

"Do you think they even know how huge the ocean is Trisha?" 

I looked to my left and realized that Tamara was still talking to me... 

"No", I said curtly, wondering how ironic that question seemed.

"I don't think they have an idea, but I guess they want to see more, know more, follow their instincts to where ever it will take them next. I think they're looking for adventure, for new territory. They're doing everything to fight the current." I pointed at the littlest fish of the lot. 

"I mean, its admirable right? They're getting away from here, no idea what's to come. Just going...worth the risk I guess"

Tamara was frowning at me. "They're just fish! relax woman!"

I started to laugh, I knew I was speaking for myself more than the fish and I also knew Tamara thought I was high on sugar.  

Tarini and Aseema got up and came stood to my right. The four of us just stood there for a while. 

"I miss this, it's nice no?" Aseema said to me pointedly. I knew she was saying so much more than just that.

I looked at her thinking, this is nice. I'm here with people I love, people who care, a city that has brought me up. But I wanted more...

"I lost them...!" Tamara said. 

"Who?"

"The fish!...I can't see them anymore...I can't see a fart bubble either!"

"Tamara, please relax, I'm sure they'll be fine. They don't need you to look out for them, they have each other" Tarini said, being her usual realistic self. 

We backed off from the stone wall in silence.

"Who has the keys? You still want to drive?" I asked Tamara as we walked toward the car parked on the curb.

The girls went up ahead, I hung back and turned around to look for the fish one last time, thinking of what they may have to face out at sea, out in the unknown. 

I craned my neck a little checking under the next street lamp that lit the surface.

Gone. 

"Are you coming or what? We can't leave you behind"...The three of them were sitting in the car, impatient. 

I turned to my little group and made a face. 

"Course you can leave me behind, you always have the option you know.", I stuck my tongue out at them.

Aseema gave me a knowing look. 

"I'll find my way back to you anyway..."

Don't Break Me...

I'm not calm... you bring me peace
You make me content, it's a silent shout


I'm not clingy... but I hold on to
It's the one feeling nothing and no one else can bring about


I'm not greedy...but I can't get enough 
You're an addiction and I can't do without


I'm not demanding...I just want all your time
Not to share with the world. All Mine.


I'm not crazy...but you prove me wrong
every single time, you're not around and I see you all night long


I'm not the best... you bring it out in me
you make me want to be better, I'll be what you want to see


I'm not strong... I draw strength 
I fall apart and you are hope 


I'm not needy... I only need you


I'm not all that you make me out to be...
But you make me
I'm just hoping you won't break me...

The After Taste...

The silence of the empty room was to loud to bare. She walked around in high heels, smoke in hand and blew out another impatient puff. Disoriented and hollow, her lonely voice laughed softly. She asked herself some questions... 'Was it real? Was this the last time? Was it for the good? Was it one sided?'
She wanted her answers. She didn't hear his voice. There were no answers. He had already left and she'd missed her chance.
Slowly she packed her bags. It seemed painfully slow. This couldn't pass soon enough. 

Two days had just gone by, two days of having him by her side. Of peacefully resting her head on his chest, of smiling down at beautiful brown eyes that hid so much. Two days that would never be enough for all that she wanted to share with him.
She didn't know where to begin. She'd never been all over the place like this before. 

Picking up the dress off the floor she brought it to her face. It had the fragrance of hope. She smiled as she pictured him sitting there, teasing her for being a mess.
She sat down... the bed was still undone. He'd been here just long enough to leave memories of a lifetime.
She dialed the helpline. 'Guest services, how may I help you?' 

Silence. 

She wondered if she really did need help. Could anybody help her at this point?
'Ma'am hello? How may I help you?'
She shook her head, fully aware of the answer to that question and answered. 'I need to change rooms, now.'...

Random scattered and totally aimless

A flash and it's gone...
I saw 4 shooting stars in a months time. Such a pretty sight and goes by so quick.  By choice I did not make a wish as most people would believe. I stopped believing sometime go, not much to believe when you can barely see it, and you'l never know when you're seeing it next or if you ever are. 

Things in life seem to be coming and going too quickly of late. Strangely, this little 'quicky' thing hasn't stayed in realm of the stars I see. I've believed that 'Good things come in small packages' now i'm converting to 'Good things some in quick packages' . Mini re-charge, fast food, speed dating. Is it healthy though?

I humor myself, no?

At this point I'm wondering if 'quality in little' is better than 'mediocre in quantity', and I don't want your opinion on that self indulgent question. Because I know what I want, I want a decent balance of time, reach and quality. 

I took a chance on someone, someone who had no guarantee of quantity but had quality in abundance. 

My thoughts are as disjointed as this post seems. Scatter brain much?

Totally. 

It's  what 'fast' things do to me. 

 

How do you decide whether some thing is worth your while or not?

The feeling I hate the most is when you have one foot on either side of that fine line...the one where you think the person is worth all that you are feeling and doing for them or not. The hate is for the one emotion that nags my every decision : Doubt.

Here's the thing, after a very long time... I feel like going out of my way to make note of the little things. To make time, to make that one person feel special...I'm not sure why.
It's not that the person isn't worth it, I'm just not sure why the wall around me is giving way. So if it is collapsing, does it mean that this person is worth it?

Some one on this very blog once asked me, "Trisha, what drives you to write like this?"
My answer to that was people and emotions...
And my point has been proven yet again.

Strong feelings for some one is the motivation behind these words strung together, all I'm trying to say is that, I am giving in. I am putting myself on the line and its coming to me naturally. I've fought very hard not to let any1 in for a long time and it's not working anymore. All the walls I've built, I can see crumbling down.
My doubt isn't about him, my doubt is about me. About why I am so affected by the little things that make this person happy or upset.

I'm scared. My feelings are getting way ahead of me, and I'm left catching up with them. Left behind to figure out when they got this strong.
Doubt, in myself and my will power. My ability to keep people out is not working anymore. You've made your way in, effortlessly. And I didn't realize when you took over.

PS - I am ready to take the risk.

Perfectly Lonely

He hugged me like he'd never let me fall, like I could melt into him and forget all my worries. Like steel bands that would protect me from anything out there. Like a wall that my fragile strength could lean on.
He held on to me and played with my hair. He knew I was restless inside as I held my hands close to my body and didn't hold him in return. Like I needed to take and didn't have anything to give in return. . He knew there was a deep unnerving reason as to why I buried my face in his chest and didn't look him in the eye.
How could I? I could barely look at myself in the mirror anymore.
Where was that girl, who could proudly share her achievements? The girl who aced anything she laid hands on. The girl who everyone expected the world of, looked up to and looked out for. The girl who had nothing to stain her shine.


I barely take compliments well anymore. Today a student came up to me and said, ''You're a fantastic person. I'm glad I know, you make me want to be better'' I looked at her stunned and then laughed in her face. 
In another life I would have said thank you and would truly have felt like I'd achieved something. Today however, I felt like I was cheating her, like I wasn't all that she thought I am. Strange how my self-esteem has dropped, or so I think. She walked away from me wondering what drug intake I'd had... 


I wish I could tell her that I actually am a good person, that I'm not perfect but I try to do best that I can. But I couldn't, because I didn't fully believe it myself.


I thought about how all the girls sat around and waited for me at the coffee shop. Waited for me to come and share what my day had been like. To talk to them...to let them in on my life... I smiled and laughed, I fooled around to the best I could. I put up my 'all's good' face and talked about things that made them see the best in me and told them things that made them feel like they are a part of my life. 
I felt like a fraud. I wanted to talk to them, to tell them and seek advice. But I couldn't, I knew they'd never understand, they've seen the girl I used to be, known her inside out. They'd never be able to see her in me now. 


The grip got tighter around me, his hands strong and his chest like a sturdy reliable wall. I didn't let a single tear fall. That would give it all away... 
He stood there sharing that moment with me, in my weakness, in his support. He just stood there and he let me take my time to breathe again. 
He shared that moment with me, when he knew of my internal struggle, the one thing that I wasn't talking about but was eating me alive. He didn't say a word, nor did I. He didn't question and I didn't have to answer or lie. 
He held me tight and that held a promise of never leaving me in my misery.
And when he let go of me I was still perfectly lonely...

On a Monday I'm waiting... On Tuesday i'm fading and by Wednesday I can't sleep. Then the phone rings I hear you and darkness is a clear view as if you've come to rescue me.
Then your gone once again and i'm left with the question : What do you do when solace lies at the core of your problems?

I've held onto my sanity today. Literally. Don't read this unless you know how to deal with a person who needs to vent. 

I've had to keep my day packed with social events to try and escape this feeling. I'm always usually in charge of situations I find myself in, because usually I put myself there.

Helplessness is new to me... unfortunately I am beginning to see signs that I may have to familiarize myself with it.

If you are missing the general undertone of this post, let me tell you, it is anger. 

I haven't been on my best behavior today. I missed my run in the morning because I couldn't sleep last night. I worked, on a peaceful Sunday, because the anticipation of everything else was simply killing me... I was blunt with family friends at lunch and then saw the worst south Indian film, the only, may I add. I yelled at the person in the front row because he was 'loud'... I didn't bother to say 'thank you' to the valet guy...and for the first time I didn't care. My face has held one expression today, grumpiness. And the best part is, my day's not over yet... re-union here I come... good luck to the ones who didn't make it, I'm in bitch mode tonight.

Here's the thing about giving and receiving... I usually take what's given to me and give my best anyway. But what is the point? I gave exactly what I felt like giving today, simply because I was getting what I wanted. Perhaps I will never get what I want. 

"Please breathe, it's not the end of life"... my best friends words were ringing in my ears. How would she know anyway? She's never been here, she cannot possibly empathize. 

I'm getting tired of the fact that I never know, I don't have any answers, that my thoughts go in circles, that I can't do anything about where I put myself this time... 

Will be back... 

From this side of the Border...

She sat by the table... The room was dark. She took the sheet of paper and placed it next to the ink on the small wooden table. She picked up the match sticks, unsure of why she was doing this...again. 

She lit the candle and looked around to see if any1 was near. The house seemed quiet, still, almost as if she were alone. But she wasn't, she never was. He was always around her, her husband. He was asleep, so were the children.
If any one found out, it wouldn't go down well. 

She shook her head, steering her thoughts clear of every1 else.

She smiled at the paper... it was her favourite kind. Rough, beige, hand made with a hint of rose scent. She remembered how he'd liked the paper...

She thought for a moment... how would she begin? There were no words or thoughts in her head, just feelings. A mix of a zillion emotions that she wasn't sure of. But she knew that once she began to write, it would all come to her.

She dipped the pen into ink and began...

WITH LOVE... From this side of the Border. 

My Love,

I've missed you. It's been a while since I saw your face. I've been dreaming, not one pleasant dream in the past month... you haven't come to visit me in a while. 

Could you? I feel like you're fading, I'm beginning to forget what your smile looks like... I don't want to forget. You are like sand, held tight in my palm. I'm losing you. Am I not?

I haven't spoken to any1, I don't want to share you. I can't bring myself to talk about you. 

Strange isn't it. You are all I think of and I can't bring myself to utter a word about it. They say it's not right, that we are two worlds apart. They say it's just an unfulfilled want from years ago, that it will pass...

I smile at them...Two worlds apart? We speak the same language, it has a different name on either side. But it really is the same, the words and the feelings driving those words. 

Will you speak to me again...just once?  

 

I haven't been able to sleep much of late. I wonder if we were to have made a different decision would you be by my side right at this moment? Would we have lost every1 else who mattered to us? 

Would we have been happy with that decision and it's outcome? Because God knows I'm not content with this one. 

I wonder if you think about me as I do you. I wonder if you ever asked for me or about me. I wonder if you know I am a married woman now, that I have two wonderful children. Both girls...they're beautiful. 

Strange where I ended up, I'm in the exact place I never thought I'd be, married with children and a stay at at home mother. It's not half as bad... I would have liked to be bigger though, I would have liked to make my mark in the world, as you have. 

I think about you often, wonder if you would get along with my girls... I imagine how they would take to you... I wonder if you look at them and be happy for me.

You are good father after all... you always were. That is one of the qualities I loved best about you even then.  

There is much that had been unsaid.

I'm not sure what brings me the courage to write this to you. I am not bitter anymore for I know what we had was real. I know if I ever happen to see you again I will smile at you, maybe even ask about her. I would talk to you, tell you about my journey since I last saw you.

But of all the things I would like to say, this is of utmost importance...

I am sorry. 

I let it all go and never let you know. You had a life, settled and fragile and I had no place in it, we both knew that it would go nowhere. I truly believed we would fight for our love, but was it worth breaking the hearts of everyone else in our lives? I never had an answer to that... I may have chosen the easier way out...but it never really was easy.

I cried myself to sleep for months... Sometimes when the urge was to strong i'd travel. Leave everything behind and leave for a new, unfamiliar place. One without memories of you. 

I want you to know I will always hold a special place for you. Nobody can take that place, nobody ever has. 

I've missed you, for every waking day. I've loved you....

I'll be seeing you. 

Someday.

Yours. 

With Love...from this side of the border.

She blew out the candle. Gently folded the paper...This time she didn't look around to see if any1 had woken.  She held the paper close to her heart and for a moment wondered what it would be like if he did read this letter.

She walked over to the closet and placed the letter with the others...again. 

She locked the cupboard and went back to bed, hoping to see him, hoping he would come to her...

First Love

She fell in love at 17.

Innocence and the want to be perfect in his eyes were the center of who she was, of what defined her.

He was 22, charming and full of spirit. He had too much spirit, there was never any place for a boy like that in her circumstances. He would never fit in her busy schedule. She had the world at her feet and his feet never touched anything softer than metal.

Two worlds apart. They made a clichéd script for a happily ever after...but they never did end up together.

They fought every single day, for four years. Their want for each other too strong, impatient and aggressive. They seldom agreed on any matter. But they had one thing in common... they were both crazy about each other.

It was her first love and it had lasted four sweet years.

She looked back now and saw how happy she had been.

He rode her off into the sunset, dirt in her eyes and bare feet hanging out of a car window... she read to him, wrote for him and taught him the ways of society.

They got away from the ordinary, the mundane and all the people who would never understand. They had a world of their own... a little place she felt safe. A place that brought her to life...

A place where she could scream, shout, yell, be everything that society told her not be... 'ladylike' he had mocked her once. She'd slapped him so hard her hand hurt, she never told him but she went home and cried that day.

Oh how she'd loved him. She hated him and wanted him all at the same time.

They fought through every up and down, every obstacle. He went away for months on end...she would wait for one letter or one call...

She loved him more than any1 would know.

She'd loved him unconditionally...

Innocent love never happens twice. She'd been ruined the first time around.

Four sweet years...

The best love she would ever know.

They didn't end up together...

She fell in love at 21....

'You're a bit of player'... I quote you.
If you only knew better, you'd see.

I was wondering when you'd begin to break my heart.
The pain is sweet... and i'm not sure what the pain is for.

You never give me reason to complaint, but you never tell me enough either. I won't ask.
Never let me feel unwanted, but never give me enough either... I won't ask.

I hold back, yes. When have you given me your all?
You know all that there is. I stand bare, nothing to hide. Do you need to know more?

I'm not like you, I have not much to lose.
What I did hide away, I've already lost to you.

You won. You have it all.
You won.

Wonder who is playing who. I've never played all my cards.
I don't have game. I don't have skill.

I'm simply honest. And yet it's all hard to believe.
Take me for who I am, for what I have been.

Will you believe me?
Do you know I have nothing else to put forth?

I'll stay and wait till you are reassured.
Till you see that I am wiser than my years...

The only foolish thing I have done is...
Given it all up.

You've won.

Do you ?

Do you?

Do you sleep peacefully and not wake in memory?
Do you feel guilt when your head hits the pillow?

Do you find it impossible to see her face in mine?
Do you want to be held?

Do you crave for all the things I know you do?
I believe you do.
Do you know i crave for them too?

Do you want to hear all the things I'm terrified of saying?
Do you already know?
Yes you do.

Do you find meaning in the senseless little things?
Do you think the distance does not kill?
Yes it does.

Do you think we're too far apart?
Head, Heart and Worlds...
No we're not.

Do you see the differences bring us closer?
Do you?
I do, I feel it. Every misunderstanding, every unsaid issue.

Do you write and pour your heart out?
Do you read and smile?
I cry.


Do you want to see through all the mess?
Do you know I'd love for you to...?
I hope you do.

Do you feel like you have no control?
I lost it all and didn't realize it was gone...

It's left me surprised and smiling...

Do you think you can handle that?

Do you... ?

She wants you...

Give her your hand. She needs you.
Pull her out of that dark corner, show her light again, she misses it.

She missed you.

Lend her your ears, she wants to talk.
She wants you to know what she is all about.

She tells you everything, even the meaningless things.

Give her your voice, tell her it's okay.
Tell her she's safe and reassure her fears.

She loves to listen to you.

Look through her curtain, she wants you to see the REAL her.
Watch from afar and let her know you are close.

She has eyes only for you.

Walk up to her when she wont move. She's stubborn, she will dance in love till her legs give way.

You make her weak in the knees.

She wants your soul, for hers to keep.

She loves you, she has given her all...

Take care of her... that's all she wants from you and more...

The Box

I keep my feelings in a little box
I've buried it deep inside
It's kept away, away from sunlight,
I find it's safer to hide

These feelings you see are not meant to be
I have them in categories of three
Love, Trust and Infinity... Nothing lasts forever you see
Not for you, not for me

I'll tell you that these feelings exist
But you won't see them coming from me
You see a smile, warmth and fun
But of the other three, I will give you none

Try as you might, turn it left or right
you won't find a fitting key...
The feelings are mine, they've crossed a line
But the box belongs to thee