I've held onto my sanity today. Literally. Don't read this unless you know how to deal with a person who needs to vent. 

I've had to keep my day packed with social events to try and escape this feeling. I'm always usually in charge of situations I find myself in, because usually I put myself there.

Helplessness is new to me... unfortunately I am beginning to see signs that I may have to familiarize myself with it.

If you are missing the general undertone of this post, let me tell you, it is anger. 

I haven't been on my best behavior today. I missed my run in the morning because I couldn't sleep last night. I worked, on a peaceful Sunday, because the anticipation of everything else was simply killing me... I was blunt with family friends at lunch and then saw the worst south Indian film, the only, may I add. I yelled at the person in the front row because he was 'loud'... I didn't bother to say 'thank you' to the valet guy...and for the first time I didn't care. My face has held one expression today, grumpiness. And the best part is, my day's not over yet... re-union here I come... good luck to the ones who didn't make it, I'm in bitch mode tonight.

Here's the thing about giving and receiving... I usually take what's given to me and give my best anyway. But what is the point? I gave exactly what I felt like giving today, simply because I was getting what I wanted. Perhaps I will never get what I want. 

"Please breathe, it's not the end of life"... my best friends words were ringing in my ears. How would she know anyway? She's never been here, she cannot possibly empathize. 

I'm getting tired of the fact that I never know, I don't have any answers, that my thoughts go in circles, that I can't do anything about where I put myself this time... 

Will be back...