How do you decide whether some thing is worth your while or not?

The feeling I hate the most is when you have one foot on either side of that fine line...the one where you think the person is worth all that you are feeling and doing for them or not. The hate is for the one emotion that nags my every decision : Doubt.

Here's the thing, after a very long time... I feel like going out of my way to make note of the little things. To make time, to make that one person feel special...I'm not sure why.
It's not that the person isn't worth it, I'm just not sure why the wall around me is giving way. So if it is collapsing, does it mean that this person is worth it?

Some one on this very blog once asked me, "Trisha, what drives you to write like this?"
My answer to that was people and emotions...
And my point has been proven yet again.

Strong feelings for some one is the motivation behind these words strung together, all I'm trying to say is that, I am giving in. I am putting myself on the line and its coming to me naturally. I've fought very hard not to let any1 in for a long time and it's not working anymore. All the walls I've built, I can see crumbling down.
My doubt isn't about him, my doubt is about me. About why I am so affected by the little things that make this person happy or upset.

I'm scared. My feelings are getting way ahead of me, and I'm left catching up with them. Left behind to figure out when they got this strong.
Doubt, in myself and my will power. My ability to keep people out is not working anymore. You've made your way in, effortlessly. And I didn't realize when you took over.

PS - I am ready to take the risk.

Perfectly Lonely

He hugged me like he'd never let me fall, like I could melt into him and forget all my worries. Like steel bands that would protect me from anything out there. Like a wall that my fragile strength could lean on.
He held on to me and played with my hair. He knew I was restless inside as I held my hands close to my body and didn't hold him in return. Like I needed to take and didn't have anything to give in return. . He knew there was a deep unnerving reason as to why I buried my face in his chest and didn't look him in the eye.
How could I? I could barely look at myself in the mirror anymore.
Where was that girl, who could proudly share her achievements? The girl who aced anything she laid hands on. The girl who everyone expected the world of, looked up to and looked out for. The girl who had nothing to stain her shine.


I barely take compliments well anymore. Today a student came up to me and said, ''You're a fantastic person. I'm glad I know, you make me want to be better'' I looked at her stunned and then laughed in her face. 
In another life I would have said thank you and would truly have felt like I'd achieved something. Today however, I felt like I was cheating her, like I wasn't all that she thought I am. Strange how my self-esteem has dropped, or so I think. She walked away from me wondering what drug intake I'd had... 


I wish I could tell her that I actually am a good person, that I'm not perfect but I try to do best that I can. But I couldn't, because I didn't fully believe it myself.


I thought about how all the girls sat around and waited for me at the coffee shop. Waited for me to come and share what my day had been like. To talk to them...to let them in on my life... I smiled and laughed, I fooled around to the best I could. I put up my 'all's good' face and talked about things that made them see the best in me and told them things that made them feel like they are a part of my life. 
I felt like a fraud. I wanted to talk to them, to tell them and seek advice. But I couldn't, I knew they'd never understand, they've seen the girl I used to be, known her inside out. They'd never be able to see her in me now. 


The grip got tighter around me, his hands strong and his chest like a sturdy reliable wall. I didn't let a single tear fall. That would give it all away... 
He stood there sharing that moment with me, in my weakness, in his support. He just stood there and he let me take my time to breathe again. 
He shared that moment with me, when he knew of my internal struggle, the one thing that I wasn't talking about but was eating me alive. He didn't say a word, nor did I. He didn't question and I didn't have to answer or lie. 
He held me tight and that held a promise of never leaving me in my misery.
And when he let go of me I was still perfectly lonely...

On a Monday I'm waiting... On Tuesday i'm fading and by Wednesday I can't sleep. Then the phone rings I hear you and darkness is a clear view as if you've come to rescue me.
Then your gone once again and i'm left with the question : What do you do when solace lies at the core of your problems?

I've held onto my sanity today. Literally. Don't read this unless you know how to deal with a person who needs to vent. 

I've had to keep my day packed with social events to try and escape this feeling. I'm always usually in charge of situations I find myself in, because usually I put myself there.

Helplessness is new to me... unfortunately I am beginning to see signs that I may have to familiarize myself with it.

If you are missing the general undertone of this post, let me tell you, it is anger. 

I haven't been on my best behavior today. I missed my run in the morning because I couldn't sleep last night. I worked, on a peaceful Sunday, because the anticipation of everything else was simply killing me... I was blunt with family friends at lunch and then saw the worst south Indian film, the only, may I add. I yelled at the person in the front row because he was 'loud'... I didn't bother to say 'thank you' to the valet guy...and for the first time I didn't care. My face has held one expression today, grumpiness. And the best part is, my day's not over yet... re-union here I come... good luck to the ones who didn't make it, I'm in bitch mode tonight.

Here's the thing about giving and receiving... I usually take what's given to me and give my best anyway. But what is the point? I gave exactly what I felt like giving today, simply because I was getting what I wanted. Perhaps I will never get what I want. 

"Please breathe, it's not the end of life"... my best friends words were ringing in my ears. How would she know anyway? She's never been here, she cannot possibly empathize. 

I'm getting tired of the fact that I never know, I don't have any answers, that my thoughts go in circles, that I can't do anything about where I put myself this time... 

Will be back... 

From this side of the Border...

She sat by the table... The room was dark. She took the sheet of paper and placed it next to the ink on the small wooden table. She picked up the match sticks, unsure of why she was doing this...again. 

She lit the candle and looked around to see if any1 was near. The house seemed quiet, still, almost as if she were alone. But she wasn't, she never was. He was always around her, her husband. He was asleep, so were the children.
If any one found out, it wouldn't go down well. 

She shook her head, steering her thoughts clear of every1 else.

She smiled at the paper... it was her favourite kind. Rough, beige, hand made with a hint of rose scent. She remembered how he'd liked the paper...

She thought for a moment... how would she begin? There were no words or thoughts in her head, just feelings. A mix of a zillion emotions that she wasn't sure of. But she knew that once she began to write, it would all come to her.

She dipped the pen into ink and began...

WITH LOVE... From this side of the Border. 

My Love,

I've missed you. It's been a while since I saw your face. I've been dreaming, not one pleasant dream in the past month... you haven't come to visit me in a while. 

Could you? I feel like you're fading, I'm beginning to forget what your smile looks like... I don't want to forget. You are like sand, held tight in my palm. I'm losing you. Am I not?

I haven't spoken to any1, I don't want to share you. I can't bring myself to talk about you. 

Strange isn't it. You are all I think of and I can't bring myself to utter a word about it. They say it's not right, that we are two worlds apart. They say it's just an unfulfilled want from years ago, that it will pass...

I smile at them...Two worlds apart? We speak the same language, it has a different name on either side. But it really is the same, the words and the feelings driving those words. 

Will you speak to me again...just once?  

 

I haven't been able to sleep much of late. I wonder if we were to have made a different decision would you be by my side right at this moment? Would we have lost every1 else who mattered to us? 

Would we have been happy with that decision and it's outcome? Because God knows I'm not content with this one. 

I wonder if you think about me as I do you. I wonder if you ever asked for me or about me. I wonder if you know I am a married woman now, that I have two wonderful children. Both girls...they're beautiful. 

Strange where I ended up, I'm in the exact place I never thought I'd be, married with children and a stay at at home mother. It's not half as bad... I would have liked to be bigger though, I would have liked to make my mark in the world, as you have. 

I think about you often, wonder if you would get along with my girls... I imagine how they would take to you... I wonder if you look at them and be happy for me.

You are good father after all... you always were. That is one of the qualities I loved best about you even then.  

There is much that had been unsaid.

I'm not sure what brings me the courage to write this to you. I am not bitter anymore for I know what we had was real. I know if I ever happen to see you again I will smile at you, maybe even ask about her. I would talk to you, tell you about my journey since I last saw you.

But of all the things I would like to say, this is of utmost importance...

I am sorry. 

I let it all go and never let you know. You had a life, settled and fragile and I had no place in it, we both knew that it would go nowhere. I truly believed we would fight for our love, but was it worth breaking the hearts of everyone else in our lives? I never had an answer to that... I may have chosen the easier way out...but it never really was easy.

I cried myself to sleep for months... Sometimes when the urge was to strong i'd travel. Leave everything behind and leave for a new, unfamiliar place. One without memories of you. 

I want you to know I will always hold a special place for you. Nobody can take that place, nobody ever has. 

I've missed you, for every waking day. I've loved you....

I'll be seeing you. 

Someday.

Yours. 

With Love...from this side of the border.

She blew out the candle. Gently folded the paper...This time she didn't look around to see if any1 had woken.  She held the paper close to her heart and for a moment wondered what it would be like if he did read this letter.

She walked over to the closet and placed the letter with the others...again. 

She locked the cupboard and went back to bed, hoping to see him, hoping he would come to her...

First Love

She fell in love at 17.

Innocence and the want to be perfect in his eyes were the center of who she was, of what defined her.

He was 22, charming and full of spirit. He had too much spirit, there was never any place for a boy like that in her circumstances. He would never fit in her busy schedule. She had the world at her feet and his feet never touched anything softer than metal.

Two worlds apart. They made a clichéd script for a happily ever after...but they never did end up together.

They fought every single day, for four years. Their want for each other too strong, impatient and aggressive. They seldom agreed on any matter. But they had one thing in common... they were both crazy about each other.

It was her first love and it had lasted four sweet years.

She looked back now and saw how happy she had been.

He rode her off into the sunset, dirt in her eyes and bare feet hanging out of a car window... she read to him, wrote for him and taught him the ways of society.

They got away from the ordinary, the mundane and all the people who would never understand. They had a world of their own... a little place she felt safe. A place that brought her to life...

A place where she could scream, shout, yell, be everything that society told her not be... 'ladylike' he had mocked her once. She'd slapped him so hard her hand hurt, she never told him but she went home and cried that day.

Oh how she'd loved him. She hated him and wanted him all at the same time.

They fought through every up and down, every obstacle. He went away for months on end...she would wait for one letter or one call...

She loved him more than any1 would know.

She'd loved him unconditionally...

Innocent love never happens twice. She'd been ruined the first time around.

Four sweet years...

The best love she would ever know.

They didn't end up together...

She fell in love at 21....

'You're a bit of player'... I quote you.
If you only knew better, you'd see.

I was wondering when you'd begin to break my heart.
The pain is sweet... and i'm not sure what the pain is for.

You never give me reason to complaint, but you never tell me enough either. I won't ask.
Never let me feel unwanted, but never give me enough either... I won't ask.

I hold back, yes. When have you given me your all?
You know all that there is. I stand bare, nothing to hide. Do you need to know more?

I'm not like you, I have not much to lose.
What I did hide away, I've already lost to you.

You won. You have it all.
You won.

Wonder who is playing who. I've never played all my cards.
I don't have game. I don't have skill.

I'm simply honest. And yet it's all hard to believe.
Take me for who I am, for what I have been.

Will you believe me?
Do you know I have nothing else to put forth?

I'll stay and wait till you are reassured.
Till you see that I am wiser than my years...

The only foolish thing I have done is...
Given it all up.

You've won.