You broke it and I let you

Some one said my blog isn't 'light enough' and today that same some one said I haven't seen a piece as intense and raw as 'Boy on a sandbar'. 

I realized that when the good things in life happen to me I'm selfish. I like to keep them to myself, memories, happy, that are mine and for no one else to see or know. They, I believe, are my true possessions, my wealth that  no one can steal from me and I won't let them.
But I am willing to share my sorrow, frustration, anger, hurt and deep thought (so I think).

So, here goes...I hope this one is as raw and intense, because it's all heart. And I'm a fool for wearing it on my sleeve.. 

I had a home, my safe place, no one but me. You broke in to it...and I let you...

Then you broke it and I let you.

I realize that it's a little late to build my four walls again. I let you in already, I opened the doors that had been safely, fearfully and carefully locked. 

I realized today that it's a little late not to care. Because, you know what, it took me a while to give a shit about you and now that I know how much I care I feel like a fool.

I realized yesterday that you probably don't care as much as I do, but then again it's not your fault, I let you in and you made it home and I didn't mind so much while you slowly but surely became part of my life, inside my four walls. Part of my life, that I wanted to protect, hold, care for and fight for. Fight against the world out side of those four walls. I made you family. 

I realized today that I shared too much, gave too much and never asked for anything in return. A sort of one sided barter...where you took and I gave....you took and I gave....you took some more and I let you.

I know now that I cannot build my four walls again, I cannot take back everything you've seen on this side of those walls. I cannot take back what is supposed to be mine, what I let you see, what I shared with you.

I realized yesterday what a fool I've been for letting you take over my four walls, for letting you chip them away, brick by brick. 

I realized you broke it down, brought in sunshine and then left me to burn. 

You're part of an inside that you've broken... my inside.

I can't rebuild it against you or around you. But I can abandon it...I can walk away from my four walls and leave you to play with whats left of it...feel free to break it down some more...

I hope you realize that I don't need the four walls to keep me careful, fearful and distant.

I have you, you've shut me down.