Perfectly Lonely

He hugged me like he'd never let me fall, like I could melt into him and forget all my worries. Like steel bands that would protect me from anything out there. Like a wall that my fragile strength could lean on.
He held on to me and played with my hair. He knew I was restless inside as I held my hands close to my body and didn't hold him in return. Like I needed to take and didn't have anything to give in return. . He knew there was a deep unnerving reason as to why I buried my face in his chest and didn't look him in the eye.
How could I? I could barely look at myself in the mirror anymore.
Where was that girl, who could proudly share her achievements? The girl who aced anything she laid hands on. The girl who everyone expected the world of, looked up to and looked out for. The girl who had nothing to stain her shine.


I barely take compliments well anymore. Today a student came up to me and said, ''You're a fantastic person. I'm glad I know, you make me want to be better'' I looked at her stunned and then laughed in her face. 
In another life I would have said thank you and would truly have felt like I'd achieved something. Today however, I felt like I was cheating her, like I wasn't all that she thought I am. Strange how my self-esteem has dropped, or so I think. She walked away from me wondering what drug intake I'd had... 


I wish I could tell her that I actually am a good person, that I'm not perfect but I try to do best that I can. But I couldn't, because I didn't fully believe it myself.


I thought about how all the girls sat around and waited for me at the coffee shop. Waited for me to come and share what my day had been like. To talk to them...to let them in on my life... I smiled and laughed, I fooled around to the best I could. I put up my 'all's good' face and talked about things that made them see the best in me and told them things that made them feel like they are a part of my life. 
I felt like a fraud. I wanted to talk to them, to tell them and seek advice. But I couldn't, I knew they'd never understand, they've seen the girl I used to be, known her inside out. They'd never be able to see her in me now. 


The grip got tighter around me, his hands strong and his chest like a sturdy reliable wall. I didn't let a single tear fall. That would give it all away... 
He stood there sharing that moment with me, in my weakness, in his support. He just stood there and he let me take my time to breathe again. 
He shared that moment with me, when he knew of my internal struggle, the one thing that I wasn't talking about but was eating me alive. He didn't say a word, nor did I. He didn't question and I didn't have to answer or lie. 
He held me tight and that held a promise of never leaving me in my misery.
And when he let go of me I was still perfectly lonely...

On a Monday I'm waiting... On Tuesday i'm fading and by Wednesday I can't sleep. Then the phone rings I hear you and darkness is a clear view as if you've come to rescue me.
Then your gone once again and i'm left with the question : What do you do when solace lies at the core of your problems?

I've held onto my sanity today. Literally. Don't read this unless you know how to deal with a person who needs to vent. 

I've had to keep my day packed with social events to try and escape this feeling. I'm always usually in charge of situations I find myself in, because usually I put myself there.

Helplessness is new to me... unfortunately I am beginning to see signs that I may have to familiarize myself with it.

If you are missing the general undertone of this post, let me tell you, it is anger. 

I haven't been on my best behavior today. I missed my run in the morning because I couldn't sleep last night. I worked, on a peaceful Sunday, because the anticipation of everything else was simply killing me... I was blunt with family friends at lunch and then saw the worst south Indian film, the only, may I add. I yelled at the person in the front row because he was 'loud'... I didn't bother to say 'thank you' to the valet guy...and for the first time I didn't care. My face has held one expression today, grumpiness. And the best part is, my day's not over yet... re-union here I come... good luck to the ones who didn't make it, I'm in bitch mode tonight.

Here's the thing about giving and receiving... I usually take what's given to me and give my best anyway. But what is the point? I gave exactly what I felt like giving today, simply because I was getting what I wanted. Perhaps I will never get what I want. 

"Please breathe, it's not the end of life"... my best friends words were ringing in my ears. How would she know anyway? She's never been here, she cannot possibly empathize. 

I'm getting tired of the fact that I never know, I don't have any answers, that my thoughts go in circles, that I can't do anything about where I put myself this time... 

Will be back...