You broke it and I let you

Some one said my blog isn't 'light enough' and today that same some one said I haven't seen a piece as intense and raw as 'Boy on a sandbar'. 

I realized that when the good things in life happen to me I'm selfish. I like to keep them to myself, memories, happy, that are mine and for no one else to see or know. They, I believe, are my true possessions, my wealth that  no one can steal from me and I won't let them.
But I am willing to share my sorrow, frustration, anger, hurt and deep thought (so I think).

So, here goes...I hope this one is as raw and intense, because it's all heart. And I'm a fool for wearing it on my sleeve.. 

I had a home, my safe place, no one but me. You broke in to it...and I let you...

Then you broke it and I let you.

I realize that it's a little late to build my four walls again. I let you in already, I opened the doors that had been safely, fearfully and carefully locked. 

I realized today that it's a little late not to care. Because, you know what, it took me a while to give a shit about you and now that I know how much I care I feel like a fool.

I realized yesterday that you probably don't care as much as I do, but then again it's not your fault, I let you in and you made it home and I didn't mind so much while you slowly but surely became part of my life, inside my four walls. Part of my life, that I wanted to protect, hold, care for and fight for. Fight against the world out side of those four walls. I made you family. 

I realized today that I shared too much, gave too much and never asked for anything in return. A sort of one sided barter...where you took and I gave....you took and I gave....you took some more and I let you.

I know now that I cannot build my four walls again, I cannot take back everything you've seen on this side of those walls. I cannot take back what is supposed to be mine, what I let you see, what I shared with you.

I realized yesterday what a fool I've been for letting you take over my four walls, for letting you chip them away, brick by brick. 

I realized you broke it down, brought in sunshine and then left me to burn. 

You're part of an inside that you've broken... my inside.

I can't rebuild it against you or around you. But I can abandon it...I can walk away from my four walls and leave you to play with whats left of it...feel free to break it down some more...

I hope you realize that I don't need the four walls to keep me careful, fearful and distant.

I have you, you've shut me down.

For 4 days

Every time you string two words on a guitar, I know why four days were never enough. 
Every time I wake, only to see my dream in day light, I realize that this could not be more tough.


When you say exactly what no one else will and you're brutally harsh, I know that no matter how hurtful it is, you will always be a class apart. 
When I close my eyes to think of what we could have shared, I want it to end, that which did not start.


And when I'm dutifully casual when I should be mad at, I know, you know I'm deceiving.
And every time you prove me for what I am, I know I deserve what I'm receiving. 


If I were to say that I want you back now, would you think it is worth believing?
I think not, for you know, my reason and rhyme have no depth nor meaning. 

So every time I string two words on a paper, I know why four days are never enough. 

Every time I wake, to feel loss at day-break, I know this could not be more tough.

I'll find my way back...

I leaned over the low stone wall... looking at little fish that were swimming against the current. I was wondering to myself how they survive the cold, I was admiring their determination to swim in the exact opposite direction of where the winds were leading them, when my girlfriend yells, 'Look I think its farting!'

So much for pondering... 

I laughed out loud...genuinely laughed.

We hadn't done this in a while, I thought to myself...just drive out to town in the middle of the night, eat strawberry and whipped cream, park the car halfway up the footpath, have all the men judge our road sense,  sing (If I may call it that) along with the CD, be absolutely un-lady like and just enjoy being 20ies something girls...

I looked back at Aseema and Tarini sitting on the bench, they were discussing how it would be nice to have breakfast here early in the morning... there was no one but the four of us, it was peaceful. 

Tamara stood next to me staring at the view we had of the sea, the beach in the distance and the Queens Necklace... I heard her say, "I love this city". 

It got me thinking... I love this city too... I stared at the tall buildings and the lights... it reflected so much life, so much energy, so little time to take it all  in, much like myself. I found myself thinking, would I really want to leave? 

She realized I wasn't in the mood for a conversation and went on, "I don't think any place would make me happier, as long as I'm here and you guys are here, life's good". 

I smiled, at no one in particular, and wrapped my hands around myself.
I looked down again, the fish were still struggling to swim out to sea, the current was pulling them in. They stayed close to each other, barely visible in the huge mass of muddy brown water. It was the street lamp that lit their silhouettes. 

Cold wind hit my face and it carried the smell of sea.

"Do you think they even know how huge the ocean is Trisha?" 

I looked to my left and realized that Tamara was still talking to me... 

"No", I said curtly, wondering how ironic that question seemed.

"I don't think they have an idea, but I guess they want to see more, know more, follow their instincts to where ever it will take them next. I think they're looking for adventure, for new territory. They're doing everything to fight the current." I pointed at the littlest fish of the lot. 

"I mean, its admirable right? They're getting away from here, no idea what's to come. Just going...worth the risk I guess"

Tamara was frowning at me. "They're just fish! relax woman!"

I started to laugh, I knew I was speaking for myself more than the fish and I also knew Tamara thought I was high on sugar.  

Tarini and Aseema got up and came stood to my right. The four of us just stood there for a while. 

"I miss this, it's nice no?" Aseema said to me pointedly. I knew she was saying so much more than just that.

I looked at her thinking, this is nice. I'm here with people I love, people who care, a city that has brought me up. But I wanted more...

"I lost them...!" Tamara said. 

"Who?"

"The fish!...I can't see them anymore...I can't see a fart bubble either!"

"Tamara, please relax, I'm sure they'll be fine. They don't need you to look out for them, they have each other" Tarini said, being her usual realistic self. 

We backed off from the stone wall in silence.

"Who has the keys? You still want to drive?" I asked Tamara as we walked toward the car parked on the curb.

The girls went up ahead, I hung back and turned around to look for the fish one last time, thinking of what they may have to face out at sea, out in the unknown. 

I craned my neck a little checking under the next street lamp that lit the surface.

Gone. 

"Are you coming or what? We can't leave you behind"...The three of them were sitting in the car, impatient. 

I turned to my little group and made a face. 

"Course you can leave me behind, you always have the option you know.", I stuck my tongue out at them.

Aseema gave me a knowing look. 

"I'll find my way back to you anyway..."

Don't Break Me...

I'm not calm... you bring me peace
You make me content, it's a silent shout


I'm not clingy... but I hold on to
It's the one feeling nothing and no one else can bring about


I'm not greedy...but I can't get enough 
You're an addiction and I can't do without


I'm not demanding...I just want all your time
Not to share with the world. All Mine.


I'm not crazy...but you prove me wrong
every single time, you're not around and I see you all night long


I'm not the best... you bring it out in me
you make me want to be better, I'll be what you want to see


I'm not strong... I draw strength 
I fall apart and you are hope 


I'm not needy... I only need you


I'm not all that you make me out to be...
But you make me
I'm just hoping you won't break me...

The After Taste...

The silence of the empty room was to loud to bare. She walked around in high heels, smoke in hand and blew out another impatient puff. Disoriented and hollow, her lonely voice laughed softly. She asked herself some questions... 'Was it real? Was this the last time? Was it for the good? Was it one sided?'
She wanted her answers. She didn't hear his voice. There were no answers. He had already left and she'd missed her chance.
Slowly she packed her bags. It seemed painfully slow. This couldn't pass soon enough. 

Two days had just gone by, two days of having him by her side. Of peacefully resting her head on his chest, of smiling down at beautiful brown eyes that hid so much. Two days that would never be enough for all that she wanted to share with him.
She didn't know where to begin. She'd never been all over the place like this before. 

Picking up the dress off the floor she brought it to her face. It had the fragrance of hope. She smiled as she pictured him sitting there, teasing her for being a mess.
She sat down... the bed was still undone. He'd been here just long enough to leave memories of a lifetime.
She dialed the helpline. 'Guest services, how may I help you?' 

Silence. 

She wondered if she really did need help. Could anybody help her at this point?
'Ma'am hello? How may I help you?'
She shook her head, fully aware of the answer to that question and answered. 'I need to change rooms, now.'...

Random scattered and totally aimless

A flash and it's gone...
I saw 4 shooting stars in a months time. Such a pretty sight and goes by so quick.  By choice I did not make a wish as most people would believe. I stopped believing sometime go, not much to believe when you can barely see it, and you'l never know when you're seeing it next or if you ever are. 

Things in life seem to be coming and going too quickly of late. Strangely, this little 'quicky' thing hasn't stayed in realm of the stars I see. I've believed that 'Good things come in small packages' now i'm converting to 'Good things some in quick packages' . Mini re-charge, fast food, speed dating. Is it healthy though?

I humor myself, no?

At this point I'm wondering if 'quality in little' is better than 'mediocre in quantity', and I don't want your opinion on that self indulgent question. Because I know what I want, I want a decent balance of time, reach and quality. 

I took a chance on someone, someone who had no guarantee of quantity but had quality in abundance. 

My thoughts are as disjointed as this post seems. Scatter brain much?

Totally. 

It's  what 'fast' things do to me.