I'll find my way back...

I leaned over the low stone wall... looking at little fish that were swimming against the current. I was wondering to myself how they survive the cold, I was admiring their determination to swim in the exact opposite direction of where the winds were leading them, when my girlfriend yells, 'Look I think its farting!'

So much for pondering... 

I laughed out loud...genuinely laughed.

We hadn't done this in a while, I thought to myself...just drive out to town in the middle of the night, eat strawberry and whipped cream, park the car halfway up the footpath, have all the men judge our road sense,  sing (If I may call it that) along with the CD, be absolutely un-lady like and just enjoy being 20ies something girls...

I looked back at Aseema and Tarini sitting on the bench, they were discussing how it would be nice to have breakfast here early in the morning... there was no one but the four of us, it was peaceful. 

Tamara stood next to me staring at the view we had of the sea, the beach in the distance and the Queens Necklace... I heard her say, "I love this city". 

It got me thinking... I love this city too... I stared at the tall buildings and the lights... it reflected so much life, so much energy, so little time to take it all  in, much like myself. I found myself thinking, would I really want to leave? 

She realized I wasn't in the mood for a conversation and went on, "I don't think any place would make me happier, as long as I'm here and you guys are here, life's good". 

I smiled, at no one in particular, and wrapped my hands around myself.
I looked down again, the fish were still struggling to swim out to sea, the current was pulling them in. They stayed close to each other, barely visible in the huge mass of muddy brown water. It was the street lamp that lit their silhouettes. 

Cold wind hit my face and it carried the smell of sea.

"Do you think they even know how huge the ocean is Trisha?" 

I looked to my left and realized that Tamara was still talking to me... 

"No", I said curtly, wondering how ironic that question seemed.

"I don't think they have an idea, but I guess they want to see more, know more, follow their instincts to where ever it will take them next. I think they're looking for adventure, for new territory. They're doing everything to fight the current." I pointed at the littlest fish of the lot. 

"I mean, its admirable right? They're getting away from here, no idea what's to come. Just going...worth the risk I guess"

Tamara was frowning at me. "They're just fish! relax woman!"

I started to laugh, I knew I was speaking for myself more than the fish and I also knew Tamara thought I was high on sugar.  

Tarini and Aseema got up and came stood to my right. The four of us just stood there for a while. 

"I miss this, it's nice no?" Aseema said to me pointedly. I knew she was saying so much more than just that.

I looked at her thinking, this is nice. I'm here with people I love, people who care, a city that has brought me up. But I wanted more...

"I lost them...!" Tamara said. 

"Who?"

"The fish!...I can't see them anymore...I can't see a fart bubble either!"

"Tamara, please relax, I'm sure they'll be fine. They don't need you to look out for them, they have each other" Tarini said, being her usual realistic self. 

We backed off from the stone wall in silence.

"Who has the keys? You still want to drive?" I asked Tamara as we walked toward the car parked on the curb.

The girls went up ahead, I hung back and turned around to look for the fish one last time, thinking of what they may have to face out at sea, out in the unknown. 

I craned my neck a little checking under the next street lamp that lit the surface.

Gone. 

"Are you coming or what? We can't leave you behind"...The three of them were sitting in the car, impatient. 

I turned to my little group and made a face. 

"Course you can leave me behind, you always have the option you know.", I stuck my tongue out at them.

Aseema gave me a knowing look. 

"I'll find my way back to you anyway..."

Don't Break Me...

I'm not calm... you bring me peace
You make me content, it's a silent shout


I'm not clingy... but I hold on to
It's the one feeling nothing and no one else can bring about


I'm not greedy...but I can't get enough 
You're an addiction and I can't do without


I'm not demanding...I just want all your time
Not to share with the world. All Mine.


I'm not crazy...but you prove me wrong
every single time, you're not around and I see you all night long


I'm not the best... you bring it out in me
you make me want to be better, I'll be what you want to see


I'm not strong... I draw strength 
I fall apart and you are hope 


I'm not needy... I only need you


I'm not all that you make me out to be...
But you make me
I'm just hoping you won't break me...

The After Taste...

The silence of the empty room was to loud to bare. She walked around in high heels, smoke in hand and blew out another impatient puff. Disoriented and hollow, her lonely voice laughed softly. She asked herself some questions... 'Was it real? Was this the last time? Was it for the good? Was it one sided?'
She wanted her answers. She didn't hear his voice. There were no answers. He had already left and she'd missed her chance.
Slowly she packed her bags. It seemed painfully slow. This couldn't pass soon enough. 

Two days had just gone by, two days of having him by her side. Of peacefully resting her head on his chest, of smiling down at beautiful brown eyes that hid so much. Two days that would never be enough for all that she wanted to share with him.
She didn't know where to begin. She'd never been all over the place like this before. 

Picking up the dress off the floor she brought it to her face. It had the fragrance of hope. She smiled as she pictured him sitting there, teasing her for being a mess.
She sat down... the bed was still undone. He'd been here just long enough to leave memories of a lifetime.
She dialed the helpline. 'Guest services, how may I help you?' 

Silence. 

She wondered if she really did need help. Could anybody help her at this point?
'Ma'am hello? How may I help you?'
She shook her head, fully aware of the answer to that question and answered. 'I need to change rooms, now.'...

Random scattered and totally aimless

A flash and it's gone...
I saw 4 shooting stars in a months time. Such a pretty sight and goes by so quick.  By choice I did not make a wish as most people would believe. I stopped believing sometime go, not much to believe when you can barely see it, and you'l never know when you're seeing it next or if you ever are. 

Things in life seem to be coming and going too quickly of late. Strangely, this little 'quicky' thing hasn't stayed in realm of the stars I see. I've believed that 'Good things come in small packages' now i'm converting to 'Good things some in quick packages' . Mini re-charge, fast food, speed dating. Is it healthy though?

I humor myself, no?

At this point I'm wondering if 'quality in little' is better than 'mediocre in quantity', and I don't want your opinion on that self indulgent question. Because I know what I want, I want a decent balance of time, reach and quality. 

I took a chance on someone, someone who had no guarantee of quantity but had quality in abundance. 

My thoughts are as disjointed as this post seems. Scatter brain much?

Totally. 

It's  what 'fast' things do to me. 

 

How do you decide whether some thing is worth your while or not?

The feeling I hate the most is when you have one foot on either side of that fine line...the one where you think the person is worth all that you are feeling and doing for them or not. The hate is for the one emotion that nags my every decision : Doubt.

Here's the thing, after a very long time... I feel like going out of my way to make note of the little things. To make time, to make that one person feel special...I'm not sure why.
It's not that the person isn't worth it, I'm just not sure why the wall around me is giving way. So if it is collapsing, does it mean that this person is worth it?

Some one on this very blog once asked me, "Trisha, what drives you to write like this?"
My answer to that was people and emotions...
And my point has been proven yet again.

Strong feelings for some one is the motivation behind these words strung together, all I'm trying to say is that, I am giving in. I am putting myself on the line and its coming to me naturally. I've fought very hard not to let any1 in for a long time and it's not working anymore. All the walls I've built, I can see crumbling down.
My doubt isn't about him, my doubt is about me. About why I am so affected by the little things that make this person happy or upset.

I'm scared. My feelings are getting way ahead of me, and I'm left catching up with them. Left behind to figure out when they got this strong.
Doubt, in myself and my will power. My ability to keep people out is not working anymore. You've made your way in, effortlessly. And I didn't realize when you took over.

PS - I am ready to take the risk.

Perfectly Lonely

He hugged me like he'd never let me fall, like I could melt into him and forget all my worries. Like steel bands that would protect me from anything out there. Like a wall that my fragile strength could lean on.
He held on to me and played with my hair. He knew I was restless inside as I held my hands close to my body and didn't hold him in return. Like I needed to take and didn't have anything to give in return. . He knew there was a deep unnerving reason as to why I buried my face in his chest and didn't look him in the eye.
How could I? I could barely look at myself in the mirror anymore.
Where was that girl, who could proudly share her achievements? The girl who aced anything she laid hands on. The girl who everyone expected the world of, looked up to and looked out for. The girl who had nothing to stain her shine.


I barely take compliments well anymore. Today a student came up to me and said, ''You're a fantastic person. I'm glad I know, you make me want to be better'' I looked at her stunned and then laughed in her face. 
In another life I would have said thank you and would truly have felt like I'd achieved something. Today however, I felt like I was cheating her, like I wasn't all that she thought I am. Strange how my self-esteem has dropped, or so I think. She walked away from me wondering what drug intake I'd had... 


I wish I could tell her that I actually am a good person, that I'm not perfect but I try to do best that I can. But I couldn't, because I didn't fully believe it myself.


I thought about how all the girls sat around and waited for me at the coffee shop. Waited for me to come and share what my day had been like. To talk to them...to let them in on my life... I smiled and laughed, I fooled around to the best I could. I put up my 'all's good' face and talked about things that made them see the best in me and told them things that made them feel like they are a part of my life. 
I felt like a fraud. I wanted to talk to them, to tell them and seek advice. But I couldn't, I knew they'd never understand, they've seen the girl I used to be, known her inside out. They'd never be able to see her in me now. 


The grip got tighter around me, his hands strong and his chest like a sturdy reliable wall. I didn't let a single tear fall. That would give it all away... 
He stood there sharing that moment with me, in my weakness, in his support. He just stood there and he let me take my time to breathe again. 
He shared that moment with me, when he knew of my internal struggle, the one thing that I wasn't talking about but was eating me alive. He didn't say a word, nor did I. He didn't question and I didn't have to answer or lie. 
He held me tight and that held a promise of never leaving me in my misery.
And when he let go of me I was still perfectly lonely...

On a Monday I'm waiting... On Tuesday i'm fading and by Wednesday I can't sleep. Then the phone rings I hear you and darkness is a clear view as if you've come to rescue me.
Then your gone once again and i'm left with the question : What do you do when solace lies at the core of your problems?